Insurance Devil
Hate From State Farm
This piece is by guest writer COLIN, aka @greaserburger on Twitter.
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Imagine, if you will, a man. A neighborly man. A man with every characteristic of a man. From just about every angle you look at him, he is real. He appears. He speaks. He walks. He dresses. His smile is real and so is his face. His hair is neat. His teeth are white. He wears a red polo and khaki pants. If you walked by this man on the street, you wouldn't think much of him. A man who blends in quite well.
Kevin Miles was a man like any other, except for one crucial flaw. Kevin Miles would do absolutely anything to become a star. The devil himself could not have created such a perfectly corruptible man—a man with nothing to give and everything to take.
His acting career had been unimpressive, appearing on television shows your senile grandma gets trapped in when she can't figure out how to change the channel. He slept in his car in Los Angeles. He went from gig to gig, trying to get whatever work he could. He waited and waited for his chance to come. After some years, he would finally get his chance: Jake from State Farm.
Kevin was sacrificed to give birth to Jake from State Farm. He stood before the monster of fame and fortune as it cracked the lid off his skull like an ice-cold beer to drink away the man who once was. All of Kevin was to be drained … To make room for this new man. Every memory, every photo, every past and future was erased for Kevin Miles. A baby picture of Kevin was no longer that. It was now a picture of baby Jake. Any future family and future life would not wear the last name Miles and instead wear "from State Farm."
All that remained of Kevin was his body, but behind those eyes sat a new man, a demon, ready to slip out into the world.
And for what? To make commercials with Drake, Chris Paul, and Patrick Mahomes? Certainly, the financial incentive was monumental to the once-struggling actor. But to throw your freedoms, your life, your entire being to the wayside to do commercials with Chris Paul? I mean, what on earth, man?
Jake from State Farm is the final form of a decades-long insurance advertising evolution, a precisely manufactured one-of-a-kind mascot public figure.
Jake from State Farm is no longer a guy on our television set. He walks among us in the free world.
Those insurance mascots that preceded him could only watch in horror as Jake crawled out of the television to wreak havoc on the real world. With a sly grin, soulless eyes, a red polo, and those dumbass khakis, he had arrived. A grown man born out of insurance television.
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